I just wanna express myself in a positive way ;)
I think, to be a smart and independent woman is very important, which is also to be rational while deciding something important in life. To not dominantly use the heart deeply in analyzing something happened around the circumstance of life. To be fearlessly excited to run the dreams within or without support of surrounded people. To push any potential of anger emotion. The important, to just dependent onto Allaah.
I was once a girl who ever felt into a deep dependency on the people’s sight. I was doing this and that because of people. I didn’t like to be hated. I felt really bad once make a mistake toward people. But lately I realized that its not important to make please human as long as we have done the best in front of Allaah. As long as we didn’t do harmful thing to them in purpose, and we do respect their right as human.
This is the fact, I was once so close to a man. Let us name it Gorden. We never met each other directly actually. I felt bad every time I said bad thing toward him. But what I didn’t realize is that I was all the time doing bad thing to Allaah with my closeness toward this man. It brings me into two conclusions. First, I think I was so stupid to depend my feeling on him, second, I was exactly an ignorance girl while ignored Allaah’s rule.
The thing is, based on my principle, there isn’t any kind of closeness between man and woman instead of marriage. And the marriage process is not counted when wedding party is end, but it starts when we try to find someone good for our life. I think, ta’aruf is the best way to make it. (The ta’aruf must be clear. It must be including the ‘mediator’, it could be our teacher, parents, or friend. The important is it should be confidential and controlled). The ta’aruf is a sunnah of Rasulullaah (PBUH) and be loved by Allaah because minimizing any potency of zina (fornication) and hatred.
What I was doing is the opposite of it. Although there is no physical interaction between me and him. But put a competitor of Allaah in my heart. This is why I felt bad while the man itself didn’t understand why there must be a cut. I told him, he understood, but well, our principle is different since he think that closeness of woman and man is good thing while it based for the Allah’s sake (instead of marriage). Yayaya, its up to him. I don’t care at all.
Then, I decided not to fall into the same pattern, I don’t want to treat a man specially instead of my husband, my exact husband. I don’t want to break my principle anymore. I promise. I attempted to make a big gap between me and that man in real. I got the process is hard, my heart was yearning to be filled. Could you imagine you have to empty your heart that previously full? That is the consequence, and I called it heart purification. So, I need to fill it again, occupy it with Allaah’s love.
Allaah, let me just loving you, now and forever, please let your light enter my heart. Let me find someone that in the same principle and gather us because of your love. Bismillaah.